Reunite

Finally being able to live my life as I felt around 5 years ago, I felt so free. That may seem ironic to some... A submissive feeling free? Yes, I felt freedom. Freedom to express the inner feelings, to speak the words I kept behind locked lips, and to act and react in the ways I had so much wanted, desired, and needed for so long. I had craved this time. 

In the last five years I have learned and experienced so much, yet I know there is so much more for me to learn and experience. I believe life is a journey and we never should stop learning, exploring, and experiencing what life can offer us. 

Lately, I have allowed myself to become distant from my community. The community I find comfort in; the community that has help me discover who I am and continues to help me discover who I am. I know this only makes me feel saddened and withdrawn, so I need to start getting back in to the swing of things. Plus I miss my friends. I know work and school is very important, but so is my mental health and well-being! I think this will be one of my New Years Resolutions!

WTF

I am sure everyone has had days like this... like I am having today. Feeling down, alone, sad... just basically blah. There is so much I NEED to do, yet I look around and find myself thinking: "Fuck all this... it can wait."  It is weird... I want to be with people I know and care about... yet at the same time, I want to be completely alone... shut off everything.. TV, lights, computer... cover myself with my blankets in complete darkness and fall asleep. Maybe my dreams will be great...wonderous...filled with so much happiness that it runs over into the "real" world.




Too bad I do not remember my dreams.

Changes

I haven't written in awhile... been quite busy. I moved to a new place on Friday, May 13th. I am renting a room from a friend of about 4 years. I just found out about 2 weeks ago that he is moving by the end of this month, therefore I will have to move. Luckily, a good friend of mine offered me a room. I went over to see the house. My room is pretty good sized, with wooden floors, 2 closets, and 2 large windows. I will have my own bathroom. The rest of the house is great as well. From the outside it looks like a smaller house, but when you enter, the house is pretty big. There is a gorgeous sun room. The backyard is huge and currently there are strawberry, blueberry, blackberry, raspberry, tomato, asparagus and other plants with fruit and veggies ready to be plucked. There are also apple trees, grape vines, and lots of flowers. Two gorgeous ponds surround the outer parts of the yard. The rent is $375/month and includes all utilities except they do not have cable- bummer deal. I will have to get cable. Part of their electricity is solar... I think that is pretty awesome. They have 2 cats and 4 chickens that provide fresh eggs. I just hope this move works out and I won't be bouncing around all over the place. Abby finally met Justine in the beginning of July and that went really well. They are already planning the next get-together. Abby spent almost a week down here... it was wonderful. Zach will be coming down this weekend. I miss them so terribly much... not having them here with me breaks my heart. But at least they are safe and secure.  I also began a new job as a home health nurse. I was hired on 6/22/2011. I am currently working Weds nights and Saturday days- 10 hour shifts. The client I am caring for and her family is wonderful. I feel so lucky to have gotten this job!  School is going really well. Getting all A's... waiting for financial aid to come.

The Blood Garden Part Two

Their eyes meet and a huge smile stretches across her face; causing her dimples to show even more. She takes off running towards him as fast as her small legs will take her. He bends over, grabbing her up, and holds her tight against him. His heart aches from the pure love he has for her. He begins to twirl her around, her sandy blonde hair flying wildly across her face. She giggles and yells out “Stop daddy! You’re making me dizzy!” Coming to a slow stop, he looks at her. The resemblance between them is remarkable. “Where have you been, daddy?” she asks as her full lips form into a small pout and her eyes glimmer with threatening tears. He walks over to sit upon the low stone wall which encircles the beautiful flower garden they had planted together the past spring. He had dreaded this question, but knew she was bound to ask. She had always been a bright child: catching onto things quickly and always eager and willing to learn.  

Placing her on his thigh, he puts two fingers under her tiny chin and gently lifts up her head. Her eyes glimmer wet and a single tear had escaped and is slowly making its way down her plump cheek. He quickly brushes it away, feeling a deep ache in his chest. How could he explain? His desire to come see his little girl ate at him every minute of every day. He did not want to point the blame to where it belonged. He did not want to cause further problems. “Daddy wanted to come see you every day, Ava. Please do not ever think anything different. I came as soon as I could… I came to you as soon as I could, sweetheart.”  

She stares into his brown eyes and reaches up to wipe the tears off of his face. “It’s okay, daddy. Don’t cry! I just missed you!” Inhaling deeply, he forces a smile and hugs her close. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a long box wrapped in pink velvet fabric and held tightly by an eggshell white satin bow. Ava’s face brightened as she saw the box. “Guess who this is for?” he playfully asks her as he holds out the box for her. She giggles and whispers loudly, “Me? But it’s not even my birthday!” She carefully takes the box and pulls at the white ribbon. He was always amazed at how such a young child could open a gift with such delicacy and patience. She removes the pink fabric and sets it carefully onto the stone wall next to the ribbon. Her little hands pull at the top of the box.  

“Daddy!” she exclaims. “It’s beautiful!” Inside the box, lined with different shades of sweet smelling pink rose petals is a shiny silver necklace with a thick heart locket. Across the front of the locket, engraved in beautiful script is her name. Small light pink roses are perfectly placed over the heart locket. With her small fingers, she opens the locket. Ava reads the inscription: “You are my heart, Ava. My love for you grows stronger every day. Love, Daddy.” He takes the locket from her little hands and encircles the chain around her small neck. He smiles as he notices how the locket was longer than he had expected. Suddenly, he feels her arms wrap around his neck and a sweet kiss upon his cheek. “Thank you, daddy… I love it!” She leans back and takes the heart into her hands, examining it closely. “I will never take it off!” she exclaimed.   

The sunlight felt warm against her face. She slowly opens her eyes as her dream melts away. As she begins to stretch, a sharp pain shoots through her side. She yells out and grabs her side. Suddenly, her mind is filled with flashes of what had happened: images of him, and his anger, of her running away, and the crimson red blood.” Bringing her hands up to the sides of her head, feeling like her heart would burst in agony she yells, “Noooooooooo!” She begins to sob, trying so hard to ignore the pain.  

Like she had done a million times before, she reaches up to her chest but it is not there. Her hands begin to frantically look for her beautiful silver heart-locket necklace in her long blonde hair, on her bed, and on the floor. Then, she remembers: his large hand grasping the silver heart and ripping it off of her. Defeated, she sits on the side of her bed; her head lowered. “Daddy… wherever you are… I am sorry.”  

Looking up, she gazes around her large bedroom. Her mind, still fuzzy, tries to piece together everything that has happened. On the floor she sees her torn and bloody gown. She gazes down at herself. She is clean and dressed in her favorite nightgown. She slowly and carefully pulls up her nightgown. Wincing, she sees that her wound has been bandaged with bright white cloths. Her eyes quickly dart around her room and fall upon her silver sword lying across her writing desk. She stands up, pausing due to her pain.  

Taking in a deep breath, she walks over to the table. She smiles as she gazes upon the sword; another valued gift from her daddy.  Placing her hand upon her bandaged wound, she slides her fingertips across the flat side of her sword. She whispers to herself: “Whoever did this for me is either a trusted friend or very stupid indeed.”

The Blood Garden Part One

The sweet smell of roses sifts through the garden. The sky above: a beautiful mixture of navy blue, oranges, and pinks as the sun sets for the day. A rustle in the rose bushes; her eyes begin to slowly flutter open. She yells out in pain as she grabs her side. Her soft hands met the warm, sticky fluid. Bringing her hands in front of her, she fully opens her eyes. Her head is pounding and she begins to tremble as she sees her crimson covered hands.    

She is confused as she looks around, the smell of the roses and her blood filling her nostrils. The fire torches along the garden path casts light as the sun sets and the moon begins to make her way up through the night sky. Her white gown is torn, gashed, splattered with blood and dirt. Gazing down, she sees large streaks of dried blood on the flesh of her bosoms. As she follows them down, they end near her painful open wound. She gasps as she realizes that the bloody streaks look like five large fingers.   

She slowly rises up, wincing. She feels her blood running out of her wound, as a sharp pain takes her breath away. Tearing off part of the bottom of her gown, she wraps the long fabric around her waist, screaming out as she stuffs the extra pieces inside the wound. Sweat pouring from her face, breathing fast, and heart racing, she looks around. Her eyes catch a glimmer under one of the rose bushes. Slowly, she crawls over and reaches her arms under the bush. 

Her hands touch something cold, hard, and thick. She pulls it out slowly, hearing it glide across the damp grass. Ignoring her pain, she quickly sits up, and eagerly grabs the heavy object. The light blazing from the torches dances off her trusting protector, her brave defender, her loyal friend. Her hands, covered in dried blood, feel stronger as she raises her sharp silver companion before her. She sees her reflection. A sly smile plays on her lips and her light eyes darken as her grip around the hilt tightens.